Chasing Stars: Chapter 16

  “Donna?” Markus knocked on her door shortly afterwards.

  “You lived.” Donna said as he opened the door, more ambivalent than surprised.  “Come in.”

  She was already in bed and Markus realized he’d probably awoken her.  He sat down on the bed beside her.

  After a pause he plainly stated: “I’ve been through some shit.”

  “Sounds like it,” she softly answered.

  “After we talked last night…” he softly shook his head in disbelief with himself, “I was onboard.  I was thinking about how much sense it made.  I was excited, looking forward to it.”

  “What happened?”

  He took her hand in the dark.  “Well, when I tried to explain it to other people, and only then could I hear how ridiculous it sounded.  I guess it worked for me, but I came to see the person it made me, the kind of person who would happily just assume someone else’s life like that.  It’s… pathetic.  It’s just giving up on my own life to step into someone else’s.  So no.  The answer is No.”

  “No?”

  “No to all of it.  To being husband to Lucas’ wife, to being father to Lucas’ children, to being CEO of Lucas’ company.  The answer is no.”

  He could hear her start to cry.  He laid down beside her and cuddled her.  They lay in the dark for a while mourning.

  “I think I’ve been waiting for you since you chose Lucas.” Markus finally said.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I fixated on you.  I held you up as the thing I want but can’t have as a way of avoiding wanting something else, something real.  But I don’t want you.  Not actually… I mean, we’d be terrible together,” he chuckled.

  Donna sat up and wiped tears away.  “Maybe you’re right.  I’m sorry, I was drunk, I’m not even sure how much I meant it.”

  “I think you meant it,” he posited.  “But I get it; you must be very scared.  I… I love you, you know?  We’ll always be close.  We’ll always have a special relationship.  Things are different for me now though.  I’ve gone through something.  I have a perspective on myself, and my life, that I haven’t had before.  I want to build something for myself.  I want to make something of my life.”

  “How nice for you.” she sneered

  Markus sighed heavily.  “I don’t want to be a loser anymore Donna.  I want to try.  I need to.   I can’t do that taking over someone else’s life.  I have to build one of my own.”

  “Good for you.   I guess…”

  “If I have to stay on Earth, I’ll do what I can to support you and the kids I promise.”

  “If?”

  “Yeah, I’ve kind of been uh… well, uninvited from New Horizon,” he chuckled.

  “How did that happen?” she asked.

  “I um… kind of told Sadhika that I was going to take you up on your offer and she… well, she didn’t take it very well.”

  Donna rolled her eyes.  “You asshole…” she teased, lightly punching him in the arm.

  “But the world of abuse she heaped on me as a result really got through to me.  I’ve spent my life taking the easy way out and she tore me apart over it.  I don’t want to do that anymore.  I’m going to do whatever I can to try to get back on that mission, but if I have to stay behind… things are going to be different Donna.  I’m so late to the party, but I’ve still got a lot of life left to live; I still have a lot to offer.”

  Donna kissed him on the forehead.  “Glad to hear you’re finally going to grow up.  It’s about time.”

  “Can’t disagree.”

  Markus hugged her hard and then got up.  “You know you’re going to be okay, right?  It’s going to be rough, but you and the kids will pull through it.   You’re all very strong, very resilient.   This is a terrible tragedy, but you will bounce back.”

  Donna looked down and nodded, seeming unsure in the moment if she believed him.   “Goodnight Markus,” she said without looking up.

  “Goodnight Donna.”

  “Oh, and Markus?”

  “Yes?”

  “Please don’t tell Lucas about… well, please don’t tell Lucas.”

  “Yeah, I uh, really wasn’t planning on it.”

  “Thanks.”

   

  Markus made his way over to the hospital room.  The lights were dim and Lucas was asleep.  He went in and sat in the large comfortable chair beside his gurney and promptly fell asleep again himself.  Some time later, in the early morning judging by the low levels of light coming through the windows, his brother woke him up.

  “Markus.   Heard you had quite a day.”

  Markus sighed as he sat himself more upright in the chair.  “Yeah.  Think I figured some stuff out though.”

  “That’s good.”

  “How are you feeling?”

  “Worse…” he lamented with a chuckle.  “Guess it’s all downhill from here.”

  “Yeah…” Markus acknowledged quietly.  “Are you scared?”

  “Not really.   I mean not of being dead or the pain at the end or anything, they’ve got some pretty good drugs they’re giving me.   I’ve lived as well as I could; I have no regrets.  I’m more scared for my family, for what they’re going through, for what they’re going to have to go through.”

  “That makes sense.  It’s going to be rough.  Nobody knows that better than you do.  They’ll survive though.  They’ll thrive, I promise.  They’ve got too much of you in them not to.”

  “Thanks.”   An awkward silence followed until Lucas continued: “Tell me about figuring stuff out.  It sounds like whatever it was, you’re not planning on sticking around.”

  Markus toyed with some ways of explaining why he had been uninvited from the mission, but all roads led to him having to admit the real reason, so he decided to just play it like he still hadn’t made up his mind.

  “I may or may not be.  I still haven’t decided if I want to go, but I have decided that I don’t want to take over at the company.  I’ve had… well, let’s call it an epiphany.”

  “Oh?  Do tell.”  He was clearly disappointed but not overly surprised.  He genuinely seemed to want to hear his brother out for a change.

  “I can finally see myself through other people’s eyes.  Through your eyes too I suppose… what a disappointment I am, what a lazy loser I really am, how much potential I’ve squandered.”

  “That’s… being pretty tough on yourself.”

  “But it’s’ not and inaccurate assessment.”

  “…no.” Lucas answered thoughtfully.

  “Right.   Well the New Horizon mission is one possible way of turning that around.  But even if I don’t go down that path, I need to forge my own.  I can’t take over the company; I can’t follow your path, I can’t live in your shadow.  I need to call my own shot, focus on something I really want for myself, commit to doing hard work.”

  Lucas didn’t say anything at first.  “Good for you, I suppose.” he finally said.  “Just as much as I wanted to keep the company in the family, I wanted to give you something to do.  I wanted to make you care about something.  I suppose you coming to the conclusion you need to do that anyways is the next best thing.”

  “Taking over that company and growing it further, that was your thing, your star, the thing that animated you.  It could never be mine, but I’m going to go out and find one of my own.  I’m done sleep walking through life.”

  “Well, that’s great to hear.”

  “And… I suggest you tell Susie it’s okay if she ultimately decides she doesn’t want to run the company, that it’s okay if she decides she just wants to be an engineer, that it’s okay if she decides she wants to do something else entirely.”

  “Now that’s too far.”

  “No, it’s not.   Think of what you’re doing.   You’re going to lay a guilt trip on her on your death bed?  Of course she’ll have to follow through.  Sure there’s a chance she could love it, but there’s an even better chance she won’t, that she’ll do it anyways because of you.  She could do it but grow to hate it, hate her life, hate you…  Don’t do that to her.  At least think about it.”

  “I suppose you’ll tell her she doesn’t have to even if I do.”

  Markus met his brother’s gaze for a moment before quietly answering: “Yeah, I will.”

  Lucas shook his head.  “Fine.   I’ll think about it.

  The two sat in silence for a time.

  “God I’m going to miss you…” Markus said as he started tearing up.  “I feel like I’m losing my parents.”

  “I know…   I’m sorry.”

  “The worst part is you’re not even going to be around to see me turn it all around now, to be proud of me for it.”

  “Hey.   I’m proud of you now,” his brother reassured him.  “You’ve figured it out before it’s too late, that’s the hard part.  I have every confidence you’ll find your way now if you really mean it.  You’re a Bowland.  I believe in you.  That’s got to be enough.”

  Markus wiped some tears away.  “Yeah, that’ll do,” he answered with a soft chuckle as he cried.  “It’s enough.”

  “Because I am Markus, I am proud of you.”

  “Thank you.”

  Markus leaned back in the chair and sighed, looking up at the sterile white ceiling.   “Ah!” he exclaimed.  “But I can’t stay, I’m sorry.”

  “What do you mean? Lucas asked.

  “I can’t stay with you till the end.  I have to get on that ship.  It’s almost too late and I’ll regret it for the rest of my life if I don’t figure out how.”

  “That’s… too bad.”  Lucas was clearly very disappointed, but resigned to it; he understood.  “If it’s to chase a star I won’t try to stand in your way.  If you’ve found something you care that much about, go after it.  Don’t let anything stand in your way.”

  “I do,” he said as he stood up.  “I won’t,” he choked.

  “But after breakfast, okay?” Markus looked at his brother and they both started laughing.

  “Sure…   yeah, okay sure.”

  “Let’s all sit down together one last time.”

  “That sounds great.  I’ve worked up quite an appetite since dinner.”

   

  Katie and Alfie were setting the long table for breakfast when Molly came down the stairs.   Markus pulled her aside.

  “I figured out what I’m going to do about it.”

  “You’re going to figure out how to go on that ship one way or another?” she asked.

  Markus was surprised.  “How did you know?”

  She kissed him their last kiss.  “Because I know you, dummy,” she answered in her ever so sweet gentle voice.  “Have you told them?”

  “Lucas and Donna, not the kids.”

  “Well, let’s get it over with and all have a nice breakfast together,” she suggested.

  As they approached the table, Donna came over and pulled out a chair for Molly.  Though surprised, she thanked her and sat down.   Donna nodded and told her that she hoped Molly kept in touch.  Molly told her she would, and after Donna left, she exchanged a puzzled look with Markus.

  “Guess now that our bubble has burst, she doesn’t need to feel threatened by you anymore,” Markus discretely suggested.

  “I suppose not…” Molly marveled.

  As Katie finished setting out breakfast, Alfie wheeled Lucas out to the table and they were all together again.

  “This is the last time we’ll all be able to sit together as a family like this,” Lucas announced, their patriarch at the head of the table.  We all know what’s happening with me… and Uncle Markus has decided that he is going to join the New Horizon mission.”

  Everyone looked at Markus.

  “And you’re… okay with this?” Donna asked him.

  “I am,” Lucas finally conceded with a sigh.  “Markus has… grown.  He’s found something he really cares about, something he’s willing to fight for, and I won’t stand in his way.  As much as I wanted to keep the company in the family… I also wanted to spark a sense of responsibility in him; I wanted to make him care about something.  But now it seems like he’s found that all on his own.

  “I’m… dying.”   It seemed the first time he’d really admitted it to himself.  “But I die having really lived.  Most people don’t, or at least a lot of people, I don’t know.  The point is, that if you find something worth fighting for, worth dying for… then you’ll know what it means to really live.  I want you kids to remember that.

  “I’m so sorry that I’ve done this to you all, I… really can’t figure out how to express how sorry I am.  But I cared that much.  Not about the company, or the New Horizon project, but about life, about us, about the future.  I mean a big part was the company,” he chuckled, “but that alone wouldn’t have been enough to do this to all of you.  You mean so much more to me than that… I hope someday you can all understand that.

  “And Suzie.”

  The girl looked up at him.  She was tearful, but not crying.

  “I hope you fall in love with the company, I hope you love both the engineering and management side.  I want you to really give it a shot, but if it’s not for you… don’t just force it because it’s what I wanted.”

  The girl got up and walked over to hug him, losing the not crying battle.  

  “With your uncle not taking over, there isn’t going to be any continuity anyways,” he said as he patted her on the back, “so you’ll need to want it badly enough to fight it out with all of the other amazing people who’ll be hungry for the top job.”

   

  They had their last meal together.  There was a lot of crying, but sometimes they laughed as well.  It was a moment none of them would forget, the last time they were all together.  It was a memory they would always cherish.