Chasing Stars: Chapter 13

  After dinner Markus went outside to smoke a joint on the nearby private beach.  The layout of the compound was deliberately such that all light from the main building was obscured here, leaving him in pitch dark.  There was no moon, only innumerable stars and satellites rushing by.  He could hear the waves lapping at the pebbles a few meters from where he sat but couldn’t see them.

  When he’d smoked only half of it or so he decided he was done and put the rest back in his container.  He turned back to the main building and through the heavy door.  He went up the curved staircase in the large central lobby towards a bathroom, but on the way he heard crying in one of the rooms he passed and realized it was Kaz.

  Markus knocked softly on the door.  The boy seemed to try to stop crying but wasn’t having much success when he simply asked ‘what?’.  Deciding to take this as the most basic invitation, he opened the door and entered.   The boy was sitting on his bed trying not to cry.  Markus came over and sat beside him on the bed.  After a time, he said: “It’s okay to cry, you know.”

  “I know…” the boy said sheepishly as he wiped his eyes on his sleeve.

  “Especially with all this going on.”  Markus waved his hand about to express the immensity of it all.

  “It’s not fair,” Kaz managed to say.

  “Nope,” Markus answered.  “But life isn’t fair.  Like, at all… and maybe this is your first real lesson in that.”

  “What do you mean?” the boy seemed contemptful at what his uncle had said.

  “You’ve lived a very privileged life in a very privileged era.  I’m sure you’ve been unhappy with some things, disappointed and frustrated by others, but you’ve been raised well.  You’ve been sheltered.  This is the first time life has come along and really smacked you hard across the face.   It’ll happen again and again, for as long as you are blessed with life.  You’ll just get better at rolling with it.”

  “Gee, thanks for that.”  His feigned contempt seemed replaced with the genuine variety.

  “It happened for your father around your age when our parents died, and when I was much younger.”

  He didn’t say anything.  They both noticed Susie quietly standing at the door Markus had left open.

  “Go away Susie,” Kaz said bitterly.

  Markus took Kaz’s hand.  “No, please,” he said to him, then to her.  “Come in.”

  Markus hugged her as she sat down.

  “I can’t imagine life without him.” she said distantly.  “This can’t be real,” she insisted.

  “I know…   I know.  It must be so hard to believe it.  Especially never having lost someone before.  It’s hard to believe he won’t just miraculously get better somehow and everything goes back to normal.”

  “Yeah…” Kaz said, wiping tears away.

  “That’s the thing about growing up though.  As humans we kind of have to think of our parents as something like gods; we start out with our survival completely dependent on them.  Whether we survive to adulthood depends on us listening to what they teach us and believing every word, on heeding their warnings about the many dangers around us.  They provide us with everything we need to live; in some senses they are our gods.   

  “But they’re not.  They’re just not.  They’re just more flawed human beings like you’ll grow up to be.  They make mistakes like you, and they have terrible regrets just like you will.  They get angry at the unfairness of it all, and their impotence to change anything in dire moments like this, just like you.  

  “My parents died in a reentry accident,” he eventually continued after some quiet moments.   “There was no body to visit, no last moment to say goodbye.  For us, they were just gone one day like they’d never existed.  And I was so young I… I really don’t remember them at all.”

  “He could have let somebody else do it.  Why didn’t he?” Kaz asked.  He seemed to have a lot of anger over it which he was trying to hide.

  “Because he’s your dad,” was all Markus could answer with a shrug.  “He’s the guy who had to do what he had to, what he felt was right, and I hope you never forget that about him.  If he’d ordered someone else to do it, some other family would be going through what you are right now.  If he’d let someone else do it and they failed, thousands of people would be dead who aren’t now because of him.  Your father’s a hero.  But unfortunately, being a hero means being willing to sacrifice for the greater good.   We should all strive for his bravery.   We should all try to be that kind of person.”

  “You could have stopped him,” Kaz said with a more overt flash of anger.

  “I certainly wanted to.  Believe me.  I even tried, but… well a better man than me stopped me.  I’m glad he did though, he helped me understand what I’m trying to explain to you right now.  Your father’s real sacrifice wasn’t his own life.  Sacrificing oneself is always easier than sacrificing those you love.   It was sacrificing you that was the hard part for him, the part which will haunt him for as long as he has left.  He sacrificed your father, and your mother’s husband.  His real sacrifice was leaving you behind, not dying himself.   And he knew that.

  “And yeah, so you’re going to be angry with him for a long time, and rightfully so!   But hopefully you’ll also remember the man he was, the kind of man who would rather do that to you two, to his own kids, than to thousands of other kids, thousands of other husbands and wives.   Maybe he shouldn’t have, I really don’t know… but it’s just who he is.  Your father believes in the greater good, and I think the world would be a much better place if more people were like him.”

  “It doesn’t feel real,” Susie said distantly.

  “No, I imagine not…  but someday it will.  Someday you’ll be getting on with your life, thinking you’ve started to put it all behind you, then out of nowhere you’ll be devastated when you really get it, when it really becomes real…  

  “You two at least have the chance to say goodbye.  You’re very fortunate in that, don’t squander it.  Your father and I would have given anything to have had the chance to say goodbye to our parents.  Be angry, sure.  Once he’s gone be angry as you need to be as you grieve, but in the mean time I suggest you just soak him up now as much as you can.” Markus paused.  “Say goodbye, and let him say goodbye to you.  Don’t set yourself up for regrets that’ll haunt you the rest of your life.  Maybe that’s too much pressure, just… try to keep in mind that there’s no wrong way to respond to this.  Tragedy is tragic,” he shrugged.

  “Well at least we’ve got you too,” Susie said as she hugged him tightly.

  “Yeah… right.” Markus said, still unsure at this point if she was correct.

  Susie took Kaz’s hand and said: “Come on, let’s go spend some time with him right now.”

  Kaz seemed reluctant at first as he pulled his hand away, but after a moment’s thought he got up out of bed and followed her out of the room.  Kaz was too self-absorbed to, but Susie was able to spare a thought to look back and smile a thank you at him before disappearing down the hallway.

  Markus laid back on the bed and stared at the ceiling.  He’d never wanted kids, not because he didn’t like them or because he thought he’d be a bad father or anything; he just was resistant to any kind of tether like that, any kind of responsibility he couldn’t just walk away from.   He was very attached to these kids though; it would have been hard to abandon them even before any of this happened.   Now it just seemed all the more unfair to leave them.

  But he did after all just try to explain to them that life is fundamentally unfair.   No, he wasn’t leaving on account of heroics.  His reasons for abandoning them would be much more selfish yes, but not entirely without purpose.  He still believed the New Horizon project was important, even if he was a latecomer to it.   He’d never believed in anything, but now he had found something which he could.  How could he walk away from that now?

  The door creaked open, and Donna stepped into the doorway.  She leaned her head against the door frame holding a glass of red wine which she seemed dangerously close to spilling.

  “You’re good with them, you know,” she offered somewhat distantly.  “It’s a shame you don’t have any of your own.”

  “Well,” he sighed as he stood up.  “I wasn’t there yet,” he countered with a shrug.

  “Come get drunk with me Markus,” Donna insisted.  “It’s been a very long day.”

  Markus moved to follow her out of the room.  “Seems like you’ve already gotten started without me.”

   

  Two hours, and entirely too many drinks later, Donna and Markus were on a leather couch in their private bar towards the back of the building.  They’d had a fun time mixing various drinks.  Some turned out quite well, some utterly disastrously.   They’d found themselves cuddling up together on the couch as platonic friends might, with Markus against the corner of the couch and Donna curled up against him.  She was wearing a relatively plain long black dress, but he’d always felt that she made anything look sexy, and this was no exception.  As much as he had to keep reminding himself of the necessary boundaries, this was not new territory for them.  In ancient times they’d been romantic, now they were merely extraordinarily close friends.

  They’d avoided talking about Lucas so far; Markus was pretty burned out on the subject, and he figured she was as well.  But what else was there really to talk about?  After too long of a silence the conversation inevitably came back to him.

  “How could he do this to me Markus?  Just leave me alone with them?  Just abandon us like that?”  She was drunk enough to be slurring her words a bit, but still quite lucid.

  “Well… it’s not like he’s going out for a pack of cigarettes and never coming back.   He’s not literally just abandoning you, he’s… sacrificing you.  There’s a difference.”

  “Well for me that’s kind of a distinction without a difference, isn’t it?  The effect is certainly the same for me.”

  “Fair enough,” Markus conceded.

  Donna tilted her head back to look at him.  “You’ve always had such pretty eyes…” she softly remarked.  She hesitated before continuing, but ultimately finished the thought for him with a sigh.  “Maybe I chose wrong.”

  Markus brushed some of the hair on her face behind her ears.  A part of him had wanted nothing more than to hear her say that for as long as he could remember, but… not like this.  “Don’t do that,” he whispered.

  “Why not?” she asked, clearly aware of the dangerous game she was choosing to play.

  “Because you and I can’t play the what if game, especially not now.  You and Lucas are great together, you made the right choice,” he sincerely attempted to reassure her.  “You have two wonderful children.  This doesn’t change any of that.”

  “It wasn’t all as rosy as we made it seem,” she said, slurring more than she had been as she pulled away and leaned up against the opposite arm of the couch with her knees pulled up.  Her black dress stretched and tented over her knees, and Markus tried not to look at the now visible underwear underneath.

  Donna took another drink.  “We had… problems, okay?  You know?   Oh hell, he was boring, Markus.”

  “Already speaking in the past tense about him, are we?” He made it come across like light scolding, but it actually aggravated him quite considerably for her to already be talking like he was dead.

  She ignored the observation.  “I’ve always wondered about you of course, about us?”

  “Please.   Don’t do this.” he pleaded.  The last thing he wanted to hear from her right now was everything he’d ever wanted to hear from her.

  “You’re not boring though,” she said, continuing to press.  “You’re a mess, admittedly,” she laughed with a hint of nervousness, “but you’re not boring.  You’re up for whatever, Lucas never was.  He had his ideas; he was set in his ways.  Stick to the plan Donna he’d say, stick to the plan…”  She did a version of imitating his voice when recounting his words, complete with mocking hand gestures.

  “Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been… happy,” she admitted with a heavy sigh.  “We have a good life.  Had…”  She came over and snuggled into him again.  Without thinking Markus put his arm around her, and his hand happened to rest on her breast.  He thought pulling it away would only draw more attention to it, so he instead opted to leave it there motionless.

  “But that’s all over now,” she continued.  “What the hell am I supposed to do now Markus?  What the hell am I supposed to do now…”  At first it was a question she was asking him, but then it became a question she was posing to herself.

  “I don’t know Donna.  I don’t… I don’t know.”

  “You can’t abandon us too Markus, not now.”

  “Please don’t.   Please, I can’t have you lay this on me now too.”

  “But I’m not wrong,” she prodded.  “We as a family need you now more than ever, company be damned!  You can’t really still be thinking about going on that ship, can you?”

  “And what if I am?”  Her indignance was making him more hostile in a way he hadn’t wanted to be.  “I’ve been looking for something I care about that much my whole life, for something that makes me feel like I belong, like I’m doing something that matters.  I may have finally found that and you’re going to try to tell me I can’t!?”

  “Stay with us…” she said softly, looking up at him.  “Stay with me…”

  She kissed him.

  Markus let it happen for a moment.  It was part intoxication, part everything he’d ever wanted.  Eventually his better judgement kicked in and he pulled away with a start, getting up from the couch and scrambling to his feet in shock.  He stood back a step and glared at her.

  “How could you?” he asked with the look in his eyes some strange combination of hurt and anger.  “He’s not even dead yet!”

  “Well that part of us has been dead for quite some time in any case,” she dryly remarked.  She knelt on the corner of the couch, her elbows perched on the dark red leather armrest.   She took another drink without breaking eye contact.  “I’m not that drunk Markus.  I mean yeah,” she giggled, “I’m drunk, but this isn’t the first time it’s crossed my mind.”  There was a heavy lingering pause as they looked at each other.  “I’ve thought about you a lot over the last few years.   About us… about what could have been.”   Donna sighed.  “I’ve been thinking about it a lot more than I should have been.   I could never have left Lucas of course, certainly not while the kids were still kids, but… I’d certainly had thoughts.”

  “Why are you doing this Donna?” Markus asked slowly and evenly.

  “Because we need you,” she started crying, “and because you need us.  You want to feel like you belong?  You want to feel like you’re contributing to something larger than yourself?  Well here we are!  You want a family?  We’re right fucking here, Markus!”

  “What- what are you saying?” he suspected he understood but was certain he must be wrong.

  “We’d need to take our time of course, have to let things progress at a respectable speed, but… you could have his life, Markus.  You’ve had a lot of fun but I know that at this point in your life you just wish you had what Lucas has.  Well you can have it!” she urged with growing emotion, “all of it!  You can…” she hesitated but ultimately pushed through the weight of actually saying it out loud, “…you can have me.  You can be husband to Lucas’ wife, father to his children, CEO of his company.  His whole life is just waiting for you to take it up and run with it, tailor made for you to just step in, no resistance at all.  It would be so easy, Markus.”

  She maintained eye contact as she got up off of the couch and walked slowly towards him.   She got too close and reiterated with a whisper in his ear: “you can have me Markus…  just like you’ve always wanted me.”

  She pulled away and offered no further encouragement.  She clearly felt she’d adequately made her point, at least as far as she had thought it through or wanted to put effort into trying to convince him.  She held his hand as she pulled away, holding onto it until she got far enough away that she had to let go as she turned to leave the room.  “Just think about it Markus…” she said softly as she disappeared through the doorway and out of the bar.

  And in that moment Markus understood.  Yes of course!  It really did all make total sense.  They were in need of a replacement, and he’d always been envious of his brother’s life.   Perverse as it may have seemed in the abstract it had a certain…  beautiful symmetry to it.  

  He was literally being offered everything he’d ever wanted on a silver platter, and it wasn’t just for his own twisted selfish needs.  He could fill in as a father for his niece and nephew, they wouldn’t have to suffer the loss so profoundly now.  He could find the purpose and meaning he’d been craving here and now.   All the better that he wouldn’t have to abandon anyone to do it!  It would be so easy, so blessedly easy, so… 

  It was perfect.

   

  There you are…” Molly said as she pushed the door open and entered the bar.  “I was wondering what happened to you.”

  “Well you found me,” Markus answered, somehow managing to be droll.

  “What’s going on?” Molly asked.  “What’cha been up to?”

  “Drinking with Donna actually,” Markus admitted with a raised eyebrow.

  “Oh,” Molly uttered, hinting at concern.  “Go well?”

  “It’s the craziest thing Molly, she like…” he chuckled at having to say it out loud, “propositioned me.”

  Molly was clearly taken aback.  “Propositioned?  Propositioned how?”

  “Well… she effectively offered me Lucas’ life, for me to take over for him in every way.   Be her husband, be the kids’ father, be the CEO… and she’s right, I’ve been so jealous of him for so long but never acknowledged it.  I’m middle aged and regretting all of the things I never did out of fear or simple neglect… I could have it all, just by taking the baton from him.  It’s all just sitting there for me to take.”

  “That’s uh… wow.”  Her face was contorted in such a way to reveal how wildly problematic she found it all.

  “We’d have to take a respectful amount of time of course.”

  “Of course,” Molly parroted incredulously.

  “Let them grieve and then slowly incorporate me over time…”  Markus paced as he reiterated the plan.

  “Until you… become him?  Like a different person assuming the mantle of a superhero or something?”

  Markus snapped his fingers at her.  “Yes!   Exactly!”

  “And this seems… perfectly normal to you?”

  “Well no.”   He stopped pacing.  “I suppose that’s the genius of it!”  He resumed pacing excitedly.  He then stopped again and looked at her with a frown.  “You don’t approve.”

  “I… I neither approve nor disapprove,” she stammered.  “I am… admittedly new to this whole ‘living one’s own life thing’”, she said with air quotes, “but if this is what you really want, then… well I suppose it does make sense in a certain kind of way.”

  “It’s be so easy,” Markus distantly remarked.  “It’ll solve everything.”

  “Markus…” Molly sighed uneasily.  “I don’t feel it’s my place to comment on this.  But if this is what you really want, what you really think is… appropriate, then I’ll support you.  I… I love you.  But please think really hard about this.  You seem… giddy, I don’t think you’ve really thought through everything that this means yet.   I know that sometimes the easy solution seems like the best, especially when all the alternatives seem so hard.   But you’ve taught me a lot about the value in doing something hard, about how nothing worthwhile ever comes free.   If you were ever looking for an opportunity to put to practice what you’ve taught me, this might be it.”

  “Thought it wasn’t your place to comment.”  Markus was annoyed at her trying to bring him down from such a perfect resolution.  He’d always been in love with Donna, always been jealous of his brother having her.   In some sense he’d been waiting for this moment ever since she told him she was going with Lucas instead of him all those years ago.  Now was his chance for everything he’d ever wanted, how could she question him availing himself of this once in a lifetime opportunity?

  “Well.   At least now I know why she’s been acting so hostile towards me since I got here.”

  Markus chuckled.  “Heh, yeah… guess that does make sense.  You are the other woman after all.”

  “And you’re the other man,” she countered a little too quickly.  “Markus…” she sighed.  “Sometimes the worst thing that can happen to us is getting exactly what we want.”

  Markus didn’t look at her or say anything.  He was pretty sure that was something she’d heard him say.  He was good at saying profound things, but not so good at living up to his own wisdom.

  “Very recently you were very excited about going on this starship mission.  You were getting very interested in that Sadhika character.  You were in the beginning stages of building a whole new life for yourself, a life independent of all this and of your own making, one based on your own instincts and needs.  If you conclude that you want this more than that, if none of that was ever real and doesn’t really mean anything to you anymore… I’ll be disappointed certainly, but I will understand.  I will.   

  “I’ll support you in all things for as long as I know you.  You’re my closest friend… my only friend really,” for the first time Markus noticed a hint of sadness as she pointed that out.  “But please take a moment.  You tend to get carried away with new ideas when they seem like they’ll solve everything.  You can…” she hesitated but pushed through.  “You can be a sucker for the easy fix.”  He could tell she was trying to criticize with love.  It was tricky ground to walk, and he appreciated her attempt at softness despite how much he didn’t want to hear the message.  “It’s… it’s why you like drugs so much, why you liked working with people you could easily manipulate.  I thought you were building towards being better than that, but…” she shrugged.  “Maybe I was wrong.”

  She walked over and stood on her toes to put her hand on the side of his face and kiss his forehead.

  “Breathe,” she said as she looked into his eyes.  “Think.”  She paused to let her urging hang in the air for a moment.  “I love you,” she added softly before turning to leave the room.

  Markus was left alone with himself.  He collapsed back onto the couch.

  “Ah what the hell does she know anyways,” Markus said bitterly once he was sure she was out of earshot before downing the rest of his drink.