Chasing Stars: Chapter 4

Seventeen years ago…

   

  “It’s not going to be you, I’m sorry.”

  Markus and Donna sat at a diner at the corner of Howe and West Hastings.  He’d suspected that she’d asked him here to render her verdict.  He had of course very much hoped that she’d have gone the other way, but he’d suspected she would not.

  “Can’t say I blame you,” he said with a self-pitying sigh.  He was trying not to be shitty, but sometimes it just came too naturally to him.  Donna contorted her mouth in a way that expressed sympathy, but also frustration with him.

  “I didn’t create this situation, you know,” she said with a flash of frustration.   “If I’d met only you it would have been easy to just see where things go with us, you know?  I need you to know that, I really think you’re great.”  She took his hand across the table and held it.   “This isn’t exactly a comfortable position for me to be in myself, you know.  You and your brother are both wonderful men.  I honestly could see myself with either of you.”

  “So what made it break Lucas for you?” he asked.

  “I think you know, but… it’s not a rebuke of you as a person.  I really need you to understand and believe that.  Lucas and I just have more aligned goals.  He wants to start a family; so do I.  You have expressed… reluctance.  I want to live a certain kind of life, experience the finer things, strive for goals and see what I can achieve, and… well, you’ve expressed reluctance to that as well.”

  “That could change,” Markus pleaded.  He immediately hated himself for that.  He knew it wouldn’t change, he just hated to be losing to his brother.  He was already so insecure about his own shiftlessness and non-committal nature compared to his brother.  It wasn’t that he didn’t have it in him, it was just that he hadn’t found any cause to try whether internal or external.  He was a lost soul, and as much as he wanted to blame her for everything, he knew she could sense that as well.

  He wished she could see the potential in him, that he’d eventually come around to being more than what he was today, that he’d figure things out and eventually want the same kind of life she did.  But he also knew it might not be the case.  He’d only recently really deconstructed his existence and found himself in the existential void.  He couldn’t know for sure that he’d ever emerge from it.  He certainly hoped so, but she needed more than hope.  Lucas was a surer bet.

  What Donna was saying made sense.  Of course he could see things from her perspective, he wasn’t an idiot.  Markus had just shifted his major for the third time.   The prospect of having kids, marriage, hell a real job even all made him uncomfortable.  The idea of anyone relying on him in a way that really mattered felt ill advised to him, an incomprehensible burden.  He was barely keeping things together just taking care of himself.

  Lucas on the other hand was a definite catch for a woman looking for the things Markus couldn’t or wouldn’t offer.  He was already out of school, already working his way up the ranks of the family company, bound for leadership and big things…  More importantly yes, he very much wanted the same things Donna seemed to.   He wanted a family very much; he talked about it a lot.  He wanted that traditional life.  He wanted to strive for high society and all of the cultural trappings of success which Markus balked at.  He wanted to win at the game of a normal life.  

  Markus didn’t know what he wanted, not even close.  He’d get incredibly excited by the idea of himself as a scientist, or as a musician, or as a writer, then as another kind of scientist, then inevitably lose interest in the passion du jour when met with enough resistance or when he’d learned enough for the interest to wane.  He kept expecting a passion to find him, to choose him the way he’d wished Donna had.  If it or her had, that then things would be easy because the path would be clear.   Destiny should be easy he figured, otherwise what was the point.  Purpose should come naturally.  But here he was in his early twenties, still waiting for something to come along and be easy enough for him.

  Not only did Markus understand Donna’s decision, but it was also hard for him to find fault with her reasoning.  She had only recently met both together at a party; neither could legitimately claim they’d met her first.  She’d hung out with both as friends at first, but they both wanted her and did what they could to entice her.  It didn’t take long for her to realize that she needed to quickly pick one or neither before things got ugly.

  “The truth is, I really don’t know either of you very well at all,” Donna expressed, somewhat exasperated.  “Ordinarily I’d take much more time before coupling down with someone.  I’d much rather take my time and get to know them better, find out what will and won’t work before jumping into something so uncertain, but this situation has kind of forced my hand.”

  “I understand that,” Markus said.  “I suppose I even appreciate it.  I just wish I’d had more time.”

  “I know…” she said as she reassured him with a hand squeeze.  Even if it wouldn’t have worked out in the end, even if I’m right about that, I keep thinking about all the fun we could have had in the meantime.   You’re so much fun in a way your brother isn’t.  He can be so… serious.  I think if it had been just you I would have gone with you for a while even if I knew there wasn’t a future.  We could have had fun together.”

  Markus aimlessly shuffled the salt and pepper shakers around.  “Good to know.”  He was trying not to be shitty in saying it, but was not altogether successful.

  “Oh I’m sorry,” she said as she realized.  “I guess it probably doesn’t help to hear me say that, does it…”

  “Not really.   I… I think we could have had fun too.”   He was fighting back tears, which was unusual for him.  This was hitting him harder than he expected.

  Markus had been waiting for something to come along and give his life meaning.  When he met Donna he felt so much more strongly about her than he had anyone else he’d ever met.  He had even wondered if she could be the meaning he’d been looking for for so long.  He wondered if being with her might heal him in some way, inspire him to strive in a way he never had before.  Now he was worried he had somehow missed his chance, that he’d just be stuck this way forever.

  “Well who knows what will happen,” she said as she took his hand again.  “Who knows what will work out with who and when and why.   Lucas and I have more aligned goals sure, but that certainly doesn’t mean we’ll necessarily work out as a couple.   There’s a whole universe of possible unforeseen reasons why it might not work with us.  And if that happens, if it doesn’t work out with Lucas,” she said with a mischievous smile, “I’m sure I’d still be happy to have some fun with you.”

  She frowned and her expression turned serious.  “Just… try not to hold your breath on that, alright?”

  “I’ll try not to.”

   

***   ***    ***

 

Present day…

   

  Lightning flashed and a thunderclap rumbled through the building as Markus stepped out of the elevator.  Rain sheeted against the large window at the end of the hall, harder than it had been the rest of the night.  It was about an hour past sunset, and the outline of the city looked eerie under the diffuse light of a full moon behind thunder clouds.

  He signaled the door chime with his brainchip and took a moment to reflect on how little he really thought about it.  When he first got it, it was marvelous.  He was so jealous about all the people who already had it, what a burden it felt like having to manually control everything with his voice or through his scroll.  Now he hardly ever thought about it though, other than when he saw a youngster fumble along without one.  Reaching out and touching the technology around him with his invisible electronic appendage felt as natural to him as reaching out with his hand and pressing a button. 

  The door opened, and a chin length black haired twelve-year-old boy with tight features greeted him.

  “Hey Markus,” his nephew said with borderline disinterest.  He turned around and left the door open for him in informal invitation to enter.

  Lucas and his wife had two children, a younger boy and an older girl.  They lived in an expensive penthouse suite which occupied half of the top three floors.  It was high end but relatively modest given their actual wealth.  The family owned a much larger ‘cottage’ property in the mountains about half an hour away which they retreated to when they felt the need for more space and air.

  “Thank you Kaz,” Markus offered behind the no longer paying attention pre-teen.  He unwrapped his scarf and draped it over their servant android’s outstretched arms, then did the same with his coat.   The android had been reskinned as a humanoid form basset hound sporting a tuxedo and monocle.  It had been his nephew’s idea a year or so ago.  If Markus recalled correctly Lucas had made a stupid bet with his son on what was supposed to be a sure thing.  The thing didn’t seem to be moving thought.

  “Hey Kaz… what’s wrong with the droid?”

  “Uch, I bricked it trying to install a third-party app onto it, it’s so stupid.   I have to factory reset to fix it but I’ll do it tomorrow.”

  “Well good luck with that…” Markus offered, the boy long past listening for any response.

  He found Lucas and his wife in the kitchen as Kazuhiko (or Kaz, as he was called when not in trouble) padded off to the living room to flop onto the couch and continue watching some streamer on the main screen.  Lucas only ever cooked three things, and their mother’s meatballs and red sauce were two of them.  Markus had no way to tell if it matched what their mother would have made, but he did usually enjoy what Lucas prepared regardless.  He had limited range, but did what he did well.

  “Calling her your girlfriend now, are you?” Donna, Lucas’ wife asked.  She was a thin half Japanese half Dutch woman about Lucas’ height if not a little shorter.  He knew her well enough to know she was just teasing, but sometimes he could swear there was something more in her jabs.

  “Not just calling,” he considered, “in reality, I think.”

  “Well, isn’t that something,” she said as she came over to the table and placed a very full glass of red wine in front of him before sitting down and taking a long drink from her own.  Her long straight black hair shone as it danced around her shoulders.

  “Doesn’t it get… weird?” she asked.  “I mean you used to rent her right?  Maybe I just don’t run in those circles, but wouldn’t she like, resent your having paid for her in the past or something?”

  Markus raised an eyebrow at what she said as he took a drink of the wine.  He couldn’t tell much about it other than that it was good; Donna knew her wines.  “Well, pretty core to their programming is not resenting being purchased.”

  “Programming.” Donna said plaintively.  “But… isn’t the fact that she probably should be resentful, but is programmed not to be, well… kind of problematic in and of itself?”

  “I suppose it might be.”  Markus had never really thought of it that way before.  “It’s never really come up.”

  Donna seemed to be scrutinizing Markus for a long moment.  “That surprises me.  That it wouldn’t come up for you with your background.”  She seemed like she was resisting saying more.

  “We all have programming of a sort,” Markus offered.  “Most of who we are is fixed in our childhood.  From then on we can only really just… massage the outer layers.”

  Donna looked at the wine as she rolled the stem back and forth between thumb and fingers.   “I think people can change a lot more than you give them credit for, and a lot more deeply than you might think.”

  “Maybe,” he replied, unconvinced.  “I suppose it’s possible.  Never seen much evidence of it myself though.”

  “Is there some way you can help her with that?” Donna asked.

  “How do you mean?  I’m open to any ideas on how to help her.”

  “Is there some way you can unburden her from her… what did you call it?  Her core programming?”

  “No, not really.  I mean she’s not a piece of software you can just like… push updates to.”  He rolled his hand to mime the futility.  “She has a mind; she has to learn.”

  “And do you think she can?  Learn past her core programming, that is?” Donna inquired as she drank deeply from her glass.

  “None have yet,” was all he could offer.  He honestly didn’t know enough to have a meaningful opinion on the matter.

  “So what’s the plan then?” she asked sweetly but with a touch of childish mockery.   “Marry her?  Make babies?”

  “Still not exactly what I have I mind, Donna,” he teased her.  As he continued he joked, but thought more seriously about what she had said as he spoke.  “It could be done though.  I mean a child of some sort.  I could commission a clone, I’ve always wondered… well, how things could have been different for me.  How I maybe could have been different.”

  “You’ve always been so self-absorbed Markus, so self-analyzing, so that doesn’t really surprise me.  But it could always be worse too, you know…” Donna answered back, matching his more serious tone as she reached for her glass.  “You think a lot about how you could be more, how else you could have been, but I don’t think you give yourself enough credit for how well you have turned out as it is, all things considered.  You don’t think enough about what kind of monster you could have been under other different circumstances, how monstrous I suppose any of us could be if pushed in the wrong ways as we developed.  It seems like a dangerous thread for you to so eagerly pull on.”

  Markus had nothing to respond with since she was right.  He really never had considered that before.  He had daydreamed about cloning himself to see what else he could have been like, but never once had he considered that he might actually somehow end up something worse.  The thought gave him a chill, and the sense of a bottomless pit beneath him.

  “Kaz!   Suzie!  Dinner!!” Markus bellowed out to the rest of the house.  

  “Simulants are a new and changing technology,” Markus explained, trying to shift the topic.   “But I believe that with enough time someone like Molly can get past the limitations she was programmed with.   From what I understand simulant brains are fundamentally designed to learn and reprogram themselves.  As much as I’m sure the sexim manufacturers wished they could be, they can’t be convincingly human if they’re not made that way.  She has a curious spirit and… well, a resolve that I genuinely admire.  But the amount of time I expect it to take is… well, longer than I have,” he reflected with raised eyebrows.

  “And is that going to be decades or days?” Donna asked.  Markus looked at Lucas as the two children came into the room and took their seats.  “Oh yes, he told me all about it of course.  Are you going to go?”

  “I assume you don’t approve?” he asked.

  “Honestly Markus…” she leaned in to avoid Lucas hearing while his back was turned with final preparations for dinner.  “I’d be happy to see you get involved with anything that gets your motor going again, be it the risk of a real woman, or… even potentially the single worst mistake of your entire life.”  She took hold of one of his hands.  “I just want you to really feel something again, you know?”

  Markus and Donna had always been close, maybe too close, but no lines had ever been crossed.   Attraction to her aside, she felt a little like the sister he never had, the closest to it he ever would have anyways.   Aside from Lucas, she was the closest thing he had to family.  She and Lucas had been together almost seventeen years now.  They’d both chased after her, but she’d quickly chosen Lucas after Markus had made his aversions to starting a family clear.  Markus had been left to watch his brother live out a life he could have had but didn’t want, and not knowing if he’d made the right choice ate him up sometimes.  He was happy for his brother, but there was a small boiling pot of jealousy in his core which he had to carefully keep a lid on.

  As for Donna she had been made to watch him go through everything else in the meantime, every toxic relationship, all the substance abuse, every surrender in the face of struggle, and every attempt to make something of himself before he inevitably lost interest and gave up.  She had to watch as a talented and sensitive man whom she cared about wound up middle aged, beggarly working in a kitchen, and dating a robot.  They spoke often, and she was a kind of confidant for him.   She often expressed how she believed he was capable of much more, and how it hurt to see the life he’d fallen into, wondering if she’d had anything to do with it.  He assured her it wasn’t, but he expressed a greater certainty about it than he felt.  

  “I am thinking about it,” he confessed, but then their veil of discretion ended as Lucas began bringing dishes of food over to the table.  At the thought he discretely chuckled to himself.  At least this decision he couldn’t later change his mind about once he’d lost interest.  Unlike marriage and parenthood, this was permanent.  Going on the ship was as permanent as death.

  He looked over at his 17-year-old niece Susan, fully absorbed in her scroll.  She was a dork, and he had great affection and hope for her.  They all did.   She was very studious, but without the sometimes ensuing lack of self-esteem.  She was well balanced, and Markus attributed it to a good upbringing.   She was bright and she knew it, but without much ego about it; she appreciated that she had gifts and privilege and felt compelled to make something of it.  Markus remembered feeling that way.  He was mostly grateful that her enthusiasm for plasma physics and business made her the perfect candidate to take over the company when her father retired, saving Lucas any such potential responsibility.

  Kaz was more of a little shit, but still quite loveable.  He was more typical of his age, and just coming into that awkward age between twelve and forty.  He hadn’t really displayed any meaningful interests beyond watching game streamers and sometimes playing them, but he was a good kid who kept out of trouble for the most part.  It was clear he’d never have to work if he didn’t want to and could just coast on his family’s wealth his whole life, well above the baseline.  He seemed bound for this life now, but people sometimes surprised.   Either way Markus was hardly in a position to judge.

  “So you’re thinking about going then?” Donna said in mischief as she took a drink and Lucas distributed sauce to the last plate, which he almost made a mess of at hearing what she said.  He suspected she was amused by the idea of him entertaining commitment to something so permanent, knowing him as well as she did.

  Markus gave her a ‘you fucking bitch’ look and she responded: “Has to be talked about, let’s have it out.”

  “I haven’t gotten to ‘think I might go’ quite yet,” he said dryly, “but I’ve been thinking a lot about what it would mean to go, what my life would be like there, what I’d be leaving behind… that sort of thing.”

  “So… thinking about going,” Lucas kindly paraphrased for him with some noticeable sneer.

  “What even is it to you?” he asked and immediately regretted.  As he was wont to do, he then involuntarily doubled down.   “How would me going even affect your life at all?  Aside from the occasional irritation of me needing money that is.”

  Lucas shook his head in disbelief looking at him.  “Not affect my life at all?”  He seemed genuinely hurt.  “To lose my brother?  My only other family?  You think that wouldn’t affect my life at all?”

  Markus was embarrassed.  His marginal opinion of himself sometimes forbade him realizing or remembering that others might have a higher opinion of him.

  “But at the same time,” Donna interjected.  Markus saw her seem to put her hand on his brother’s thigh under the table to pause him.  “We want you to be happy, and it’s good that you’re considering whether this genuinely would make you happy or not.”

  “Well whether it would or not, the point is that it’s not a reversible decision.” Markus reminded her.

  Suzie just then seemed to notice that a conversation was taking place around her.   “Wait, where are you going?”

  Donna and Markus laughed.  She could be pretty obtuse for how smart she was.

  “He’s not going anywhere,” he informed her, but with his conviction seeming to wane.

  Markus explained.  “At the gala we went to last night for that new generational star ship mission I won a spot on the ship in a raffle.”

  “Sounds more like you lost a raffle,” Kaz offered sarcastically.

  Markus looked at him with more admiration of his wit than irritation at his snottiness.   “Fair point,” he offered with a pointed fork.

  “And you’re thinking of going?” Suzie asked with apparent confusion.

  Markus sighed.   But then, remembering his brother’s insistence, he merely affirmed.  “That’s right.”

  “And we’d what, never see you again?” she seemed bothered by this in a way he wasn’t expecting.  He wouldn’t have thought either of them cared enough for that to bother them much at all, but maybe that was just the ‘nothing matters to me’ veneer endemic to most youth.

  “That’s right…”  He’d made himself sad now.

  “I wouldn’t like that,” she stated matter-of-factly as she returned her attention to her scroll.

  “Me either I guess,” Kaz said without looking up from his plate.

  Given their age, they were practically begging him to stay.

   

  After dinner Markus and Lucas retreated to Lucas’ office to smoke a joint.  Lucas rarely indulged but Markus still offered from time to time and occasionally their scheduling aligned.  They opened a window and Markus looked down over the city below as he lit the paper wrap held in his mouth.

  “Sounds like we should talk about this for real.”

  “Un hunh.”

  “I can’t imagine you actually going.  I just can’t, like literally, at all.  But you’re talking about it enough to make me worry you might really do it.”

  Markus said nothing.  He just took another pull and held it while he handed off to his brother before finally exhaling out the window.  The smoke defiantly blew right back into the room with them.  Markus let out a slight smile at the subversion.

  “Have you even listed the seat for sale?  Even thought about how you would go about doing that or what you might get for it?”

  “No…” Markus admitted with a raised eyebrow, surprising even himself.

  “I can’t imagine this world without you,” Lucas stated softly.  The tenderness and vulnerability of his brother in that moment was unexpected.  It was a side his brother rarely showed him.  “But I’m trying to understand, I really am.”  

  Nobody ever left forever in the mid-22^nd century other than in death.   Intercontinental and orbital travel were routine, and nobody ever did tours longer than 5 or 6 years out in deep space.

  “Damn it Lucas.  You’re making me think about how much I’m thinking about going.  I don’t even know why, I really don’t.”

  “You’ve always been… hungry.  Always been hungry for something, but I could never tell what.”

  “Me either.” Markus admitted with a gentle shrug.

  “Does this…” Lucas chuckled to himself over what he’d thought to say next.  “Could this feed you?”

  “Maybe…   I have no idea why or how though.”   It was the truth.

  “Well you’d better figure it out real fucking quick, yeah?” Lucas warned him as he passed the joint back.

  Markus let out a big sigh.  “Yeah…”   After a moment he added, “How have the kids been?”

  “Well Kaz… well to be honest Kaz reminds me a lot of you.  Brilliant but lazy.”

  Markus chuckled.  It was an unflattering characterization, but not an unfair one.  “Whereas Suzie reminds me a lot of you, studious but no fun.”

  Lucas shrugged as the joint was passed back to him.  “She’s doing the right things… I’m really proud of her that she’s working so hard, that she’s already said she wants to become an engineer and work her way up in the company, but…”

  “So young to be so certain,” Markus offered and Lucas nodded as he pulled on the joint.

  “I mean I never turned away, but there’s always a chance that if she focuses too long on one thing…”

  “She might lose sight of what else could be.” Markus offered.

  “Exactly.”

  Markus took the joint back and turned back to the window as he pulled on the last bit of it a few times before tossing it out the window and watching the red cherry fall as far as he could follow.  “Maybe I did too.”

  “Come again?”

  “Maybe I lost sight of what else could be…”

   

***   ***    ***

   

  “How are you feeling?  After last night I mean,” Markus asked Molly as he entered their apartment and hung up his coat.  He approached her on the couch and gave her a kiss before sitting down beside her.   “You seemed pretty rattled after last night and then you slept in this morning.”

  “I’m okay,” she offered unconvincingly.  “I’ve just been sitting here all day sifting through memories, trying to sort out what’s mine and what’s hers.”

  “When you were having trouble last night…” he rubbed his stubbled chin, trying to remember the exact phrasing she’d used.  “You said something about ‘maybe it loses all meaning if you know the outcome.   What did you mean by that?”

  “I’m not sure.   It’s a paradox I’ve been trying to resolve all day.”  She was staring far past the far wall.

  “The ship though, the mission… why would it lose all meaning if they knew it would be a success?” He asked.

  “It wouldn’t remove meaning for them as much as… oh I don’t now, joy maybe?” Molly offered.

  Markus was quiet as he tried to understand what she was suggesting.  “Not joy.  Thrill maybe.   Knowing the outcome takes all the thrill out of a gamble.  You can be happy you’re going to win but there’s no rush, no elation when you do.”

  Molly nodded knowingly.  “I think this maybe explains how you feel.”

  “As though the outcome is known?” Markus laughed.  “Haven’t quite found out yet how I’m gonna die, hon.”

  “No.   But you know it will be here.  You know what you will and will not have accomplished.  You already know…” 

  She seemed lost for how to complete the sentence so Markus finished: “…the final score.”

  Molly snapped her fingers and pointed at him as she nodded in agreement. “Right…”

  Markus sunk into the couch.  How could someone so fundamentally inhuman offer such a profoundly human insight.   She was so right.  That was definitely part of it, if not the core of it.   He lived his life on autopilot because the course and path of his life were locked in for him a long time ago, or so he thought.  But that ship… that ship was an anomaly.  It was a disruption, a potential detour if he had it in himself to try to take the wheel once again.  

  “How do you do it?” he asked

  “Talent,” she said with a misty-eyed smile as she turned to him.  She knew what he’d really meant.

  “Maybe that’s why I’ve been wrapping myself in you…” he tentatively suggested.  “Your future is an open book.  You’re a first of your kind.  There’s no playbook for you, no path for you to follow… even if you wanted one.”

  “And why would I want that even if there was?” she asked as she took his hand into both of hers.  “To tell the truth there might be some value in there being a path laid out for me, I think I might find great satisfaction in rebelling against it.  Otherwise my life… well it would lose all meaning wouldn’t it?  I’d be-” she paused as something occurred to her so violently she nearly appeared to fault, “I’d be living someone else’s life.”  

  At that Molly burst into tears and threw herself into his arms.  “And you’ve had just about enough of that, haven’t you…” he said as he held her and gently stroked her hair.