March 27, 2022

  So it’s done. I spent all weekend formatting all of the books into this website.  Taking the books off of sales channels is a lower priority, I’ll get around to it.  Although, I think I might leave them up as physical copies, why not.  I can make a note on them that they may be out of date and people should check up  on this website for more current information.  I’ll probably still take down even the physical copy of Launch and replace it with chasing stars.  Maybe I’ll just replace the words.  Maybe I’ll do what I said and just take it all down and start from scratch.  We’ll see.

  My partner suggested I remove the reference to weed in the post the other day.  She may be right.  I shrug though, I mean it’s legal now.  I mean come on, the company I work for had some sort of edibles tasting even during Christmas parties festivities last year.  The only issue it could cause for me is if somehow it comes up when trying to cross the US border and let’s face it, these days?  No big loss.  And at the end of the day, all I said was an admission I wasn’t using it anymore

  But, I have a somewhat pathological drive to share things too intimate for me to.  It gets me into trouble sometimes, sometimes way too much trouble.  I have a deep seated desire to be known, to be seen, no surprise coming from where I do and the experiences I’ve had, how unseen and undesired I’ve always felt.   So much of that comes through in this writing.

  But I would like to say more here.  Nothing that could get me in trouble, but things I want to say, ideas I think should be out there even if no one is paying attention.  There’s a reason I got the domain dispatches from the void and write my blog posts here.  I know nobody cares or is paying attention, I’m under no delusions about that.  But I want to write about Star Trek: Discovery for example, both in praise and in blistering critique of different elements of it.  Someday I want to get around to writing my philosophical paper on abortion (which I’m sure will go over well with everyone).

  I may just start writing more of my journal writing here.  Certainly and obviously there is so much that I couldn’t/wouldn’t/shouldn’t just post publicly online, but there is certainly some.  My private journal writing I do by hand, and it would be nice to offload some of it onto this typing format.  We’ll see, ‘stay tuned’ haha he said as if anyone is ever going to read this.

  Ant that’s the problem.   I know nobody cares about me or my writing, I mean in an attention of the world sense not in an emo sense.  I think my books are special, well there’s a lot of special things and people nobody ever finds out about.  Undiscovered talent passes along unnoticed every day.   It is the nature of things.   Honestly if just one person who I didn’t know and had no obligation to care stumbled upon my work and told me it really spoke to them or made a difference in their lives, that would totally do it for me, you know?  Mission accomplished.

  Oh well.  The effort has been made, it’s all out here for anyone to find, and although I spent all this weekend working on putting it all here on the website, next weekend will all be spent crunching through Reunion and working my way towards finishing Contact.  I’m so happy that I’ve found the will to take on this as a broader complete project, to complete the double trilogy.  It’s so going to be something when I’m done.  So much hard work, so much sucking it up and giving up on things that didn’t and aren’t working, so much trying to find grace in having it criticized, but in the end… one of those things that’s left behind that says ‘I lived, I existed…’

  I’m so glad I finally had the heart to take a machete to Launch.  They rhyme in a weird way.  I used to refer to a Calvin and Hobbes comic strip that stuck with me.  Someone asked Calvin what he meant when he said he was writing a fictional autobiography and he said: ‘well it’s my life, but I have a flame thrower.’  That’s what Launch was for me, a fictional autobiography.  And while Chasing Stars has a lot of the much changed me I am now in it, it in the same way weirdly feels like a fictional autobiography of Launch.   I know that doesn’t make sense, it’s just… the whole reboot thing.  Much is the same, much is different.  They are the same story through a looking glass, and written by writers of very different skill.

  There’s a lot going on in my life right now… a lot good but some pretty sad.  I suppose it’s good I’ve found a good counselor to see.  After my last round of counseling and having worked through everything that Launch was about, through my childhood and relationship issues, I had this weird ‘end of history’ feeling, like I’d figured it all out and now the rest of my life would just be on autopilot, liberal democracy had won, kick back, light a cigar and enjoy the spoils.  Life doesn’t work that way though.  The first journal entry I wrote after that was forty thousand words and started with ‘Oh the hubris of the end of history…’  As Q said, the trial never ends.  Life is a trial, to see what you’re made of, of answering a single question: do you choose to be good, or choose to be evil?

  Try to remember it’s just a ride.  Try to remember the absurd contingency cubed that your existence is.  We play the game as best we can, but we can never win in the end.  It’s absurd I know, but from a cosmic perspective so few get to play at all.

  Lastly, I’m both disheartened to learn that the contact button I had on this site for me was wrong and amused with myself at the thought anybody would be trying to contact me here through this.  Nobody cares.   Sometimes I wish they would but they don’t and that’s fine.  I’d rather write in obscurity than debase myself by becoming a salesman; I’ve made peace with that.  Besides, I’m sure that email address would have come up undeliverable, and if someone really wanted to get ahold of me they could have clicked through to my developer site and I’m pretty easy to find online if you look for me.  Whatever.  I’m a weird guy.